Walking in Your Partner's Shoes

More than any other single deficiency, I think it is the lack of mutual empathy which results in sword-drawing in marriage.

- Bernard Guerney

“Our viewers want to know the most important thing they can do for their marriage,” the producer told us. We were sitting in plush leather chairs, sipping bottled water out of straws in the green room of the famous Harpo Studios in Chicago. “Oprah is likely to ask you,” the producer continued, “if you could only give one suggestion to a couple for improving their marriage, what would it be?” We didn’t have to think twice. In fact, it wasn’t the first time we’d been asked. We hear this question a lot. In nearly every interview we do on marriage, whether it’s print, radio, or television, that question is predictable. Why? Probably because, regardless of the topic, we all like get to the heart of the matter. Think about it. Wouldn’t you like to know the most important thing you can do . . . to keep your kids off drugs . . . to save more time . . . to extend your life . . . to make a perfect soufflé . . . to stop global warming . . . to get a promotion?

Whatever the topic, we like to know the one key thing. What matters most? What’s the essential element, that indispensable and vital factor for success? Well, when it comes to that crucial component in a successful marriage, there’s no need to guess. We stand on a mountain of research and clinical expertise when we tell you the answer. In a word, it’s empathy. It’s putting yourself in your partner’s shoes. The happiest couples on earth are those who become adept at trading places.

Ignorance Is Bliss?

When a couple neglects to trade places, when they sidestep empathy, they become clueless. Quite literally, they become ignorant of each other. Their lack of awareness causes them to flounder. They say things like: • “I have no idea what would make him happy.” • “I simply do not understand her.” • “He gets angry for absolutely no reason.” • “We’ll just be talking and then she blows up at me.” • “He stopped listening to me and I have no idea why.” • “I cannot understand why she keeps talking about this.” These are the sayings of a clueless couple. Like a gas gauge edging toward “empty,” these statements indicate an embarrassingly low level of empathy. Yet the empathy deficit goes unnoticed. They don’t recognize what they’re missing. On the other hand, these kinds of statements also show a lack of apathy. And that’s a good thing. Couples who say these sorts of things still care. They still crave a better way of living and loving together. They’re simply baffled by their spouse’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. They’re oblivious. Clueless.

clue (‘klü): anything that serves to guide or direct in the

Truth be told, we’re all clueless as couples some of the time. Every husband and wife, no matter how loving, has moments of mystery — moments when we can’t begin to understand each other. “What are you thinking?” we may ask in astonishment. Or, “I can’t believe you’d say that!” Each and every couple, from time to time, becomes perplexed and bemused by each other. And that’s precisely why every couple, regardless of their age or stage, will never make a more important move in their marriage than when they trade places. Why? Because ignorance about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and motives is definitely not bliss. It’s the furthest thing from it. If anything, empathy is bliss! Now, if all this sounds like hyperbole to you, we apologize. It’s just that we know what a bit more empathy can do for your marriage. In fact, it’s difficult to exaggerate the importance and value of empathy to a strong and happy marriage. Why? Because whenever we put ourselves in our partner’s shoes, we become educated. We push back ignorance. We understand each other. And, at the risk of sounding trite, our understanding helps us love. That’s why we don’t have to think twice about our answer to the question: What’s the most important thing a couple can do for their marriage? Trade places, if only for a minute. It’s that simple — and that difficult.

Trading Places Is Easier Than You Think

Let’s not kid anyone. Empathy is not always easy. That’s why we’ve written this book. But as you are about to discover, empathy can be easier than you think. In fact, it can become downright habit-forming. We intend to show you, step by step, how you can practice this essential skill to reduce conflict, improve communication, heighten your intimacy, and even fire up your love life. Once you experience the rewards of trading places, we’re convinced you’ll be a true believer in its importance. Here’s a quick overview of what’s to come: • In part 1 of the book, we explore the basics, the very rudiments, of trading places. You can consider this first section part pep talk, part action plan, and part prerequisite to the benefits you’ll soon enjoy. We’ll show you exactly what it means to trade places, and how it can become a routine habit in your own marriage. We’ll also take a close look at the “admission ticket” trading places requires of every couple. • In part 2, we roll up our proverbial sleeves and give you exactly what you’ll need to trade places. In fact, we are going to give you “three easy steps” to practicing empathy. We cringe as we write this phrase, “three easy steps,” because it sounds so trite. But trust us, we have our reasons. For now, think of it as “simplicity on the other side of complexity.” Empathy, after all, is one of the most profound and challenging behaviors you’ll ever accomplish. That’s why in this portion of the book, we go out of our way to make it as simple and memorable as possible. • Part 3 is going to help you drill down deep in a few specific areas of your marriage — areas where you are most likely to find the richest rewards. In fact, you can think of this section of the book as an insider’s guide. If you were just starting out in the oil business, think how valuable it would be to have someone map out for you exactly where you should place your drills for the greatest supply of oil. This section is a bit like that map. We want you to strike it rich with understanding, and that’s why we’re going to show you precisely where to drill down with your newly honed empathy skills.